To a T

How to make me a cup of tea:
  1. Think about how much you love me :) Hmmm, that’s nice, isn’t it? (I love you too.) If you have never met me, you probably won’t need to be making me a cup of tea at this point, so please don’t fret about loving me, this is just for future reference.
  2. Boil water. Make sure it is actually boiled and not just showing off.
  3. Pour it from a great height onto a teabag. You must endure several painful piqûres, as miniature drops of scalding water jump desperately upon your exposed skin, trying to escape the horrible destiny of being made into tea. Using a cup or mug for this step cannot come more highly recommended.
  4. Sway the teabag with a teaspoon for roughly 4.772 seconds. Think of the girl from Ipanema. Swing your body in time.
  5. Squeeze the teabag once against the side of the cup. Do not take your anger out on it. Imagine it has slightly annoyed you.
  6. Remove the teabag and discard. If left any longer it will seep evil tea squirts into my cup, barge into my bloodstream and do tea-poos in my brain.
  7. Add less than a quarter of a teaspoon of sugar (the tea should not taste sweet; it should taste like it hasn’t not got sugar in it).
  8. Now imagine walking into the loo and finding someone there. As soon as you realise you’ve made the mistake, you’re back on the outside and the door is firmly closed, right? This is how to approach the addition of milk. Just as it starts to pour out from the bottle, you remember you don’t want to put any in. Feel simultaneously proud and disappointed about the milk that made it in. (If you have a pipette for feeding a baby chipmunk this could aid immensely (please wash it first, I don’t want chipmunk rabies.))
  9. Stir.
  10. Bring it to me and fear for our friendship.
Tea: it depends (i.e. as above or not at all)


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