I have a friend who’s spoonist. I’m not sure how I feel. I don’t share her opinions, but I’ve made her the odd meal. Does that implicate me in her prejudicial ways? I’m certain she’s not racist and I know she likes the gays. But I don’t want the world to think that I think it’s OK, though she made a simple argument of it the other day. She said she likes the small ones, not the big ones in the drawer (it’s weird, I know she’s got big ones, I think I counted four). She only uses teaspoons (or cuillères à café (that’s the French for teaspoon, in case you weren’t au fait)), she says the big ones are too big, for her mouth anyway – she’d rather use a small one to consume her consummé. It doesn’t matter what she’s got residing in her bowl, the feelings that she has for them are out of her control. The bigger ones upset her to a startling degree, they wrestle with her teeth and cause bad karma in her tea. The most alarming thing here that I’d like to bring to light, is how does one eat cereal one cheerio per bite?

There’s nothing I can say to her, she has the right to choose. I can’t force her to like big ones, I must respect her views. But the thing is I feel sorry for the big ones lying there. They never have an outing which I think is quite unfair. So one day when I’m at her house I’ll try to let them out, though freeing spoons into the wild, I know nothing about. I do not want to mess it up and traumatise the blighters. They’ve never lived alone before, they might not be good fighters. Perhaps I’ll sneak them home with me, she won’t feel the effect, it’s better than subjecting them to permanent neglect.

Big-spoon hater, will you come forth and reveal your identity?


7 responses to “Spoonism

  • Denise

    There seems to be an abundance of people who are anti big-spoon. This is a revelation for me indeed.

  • Anna

    I am spider rascist.

    On spoons, there are definitely ones I prefer, but my like or dislike is not based on size.

  • Miranda

    ps i’m with you liz, especially when it comes to inserting penis jokes between philosophically crucial spoon debate points

  • Sean

    I hate little spoons. They’re only good for stirring….
    Can’t think of anything that rhymes with stirring.

  • Liz

    Ahem, will the real soup spoon hater please stand up? Oh wait a second, that’s me! Ok, here we go. Now to make it perfectly clear, we’re talking solely about a dislike of big spoons and not a fear. I wouldn’t want you to think I’m weird or anything… Also, it’s not my shameful secret and I’ll gladly tell my story to anyone who asks, “wouldn’t that be easier with a big spoon?” But see that’s the thing, I don’t find it easier with a big spoon. In fact, when contemplating soup spoons, as I often do, the word awkward comes to mind. They’re either too long or wide or round or oblong (insert penis jokes here). Plus, with a little spoon I can easily put the whole thing in my mouth and there is the sensation of having more food than spoon.

    I think essentially that is my problem. I want there to be more food than spoon. With the big spoon, I taste spoon. Now maybe you’re only supposed to put the tip of it in your mouth (insert more penis jokes here) but that’s not how I roll. I’m what you’d call a shoveller. I shovel food when I eat so the whole utensil gets an inside, panoramic view of my pie hole (eh, you know what to do). Being a shoveller also means I can pile on a whole lot of food so there’s no Cheerio by Cheerio action going on. What about soup, you ask? It’s liquid, what do you think I do?

    My final critique of the big spoon is that it makes me do just a bit more work than the little spoon. As previously mentioned (see the comment section beneath “Don’t fear the escalator”), I am lazy. Precision, I’m physically lazy. I don’t like walking up hills, climbing stairs, cycling, sports etc. I only do exercise so as to stop me from becoming the kind of fat person who has to be removed from their house with a forklift. Soup spoons make me open my mouth wider, exercising my jaw. Since my job involves talking to people all day, I’d like to give those muscles a rest. That’s probably a really lame reason for snubbing the soup spoon but then again, it’s just a fucking spoon. Now, let’s talk about that mischievous fork…

    • Denise

      Apparently, you’re not the only one. The poll currently stands at a majority vote against the big spoon. Your candour is paving the way for others to come forward and unite. It is only through talking about it that we can really start to address this issue. Your testimonial is key to our understanding. And understanding is the key to tolerance, humility and a crucial sense of connection to others. Thank you for your courage and time.

  • Px

    The dessert spoon is by nature created for dessert but I prefer the smaller one it makes dessert last longer. I won’t desert the big spoon because it has it’s uses, but my penchant for the small spoon is definitely stronger.

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