You Snooze, You Lose.

Unfortunately this is my current phone. I did not borrow it from 1998.

I had to think about this one for a bit. I thought it was one of the things I sometimes liked and sometimes didn’t. But that is what makes it so evil. The snooze button is the worst kind of enemy because it makes you think it’s your friend. Oh evil snooze button, what dastardly creature invented you? You torture my mornings and ruin my days. You prey on me at my weakest moment and lure me into your sleepy web. I wish you had never been conceived, I curse your thoughtless creator.

Let’s face it, who has ever felt better for those extra few minutes of sleep? The only moment that feels good is that split second when you press the button. That’s it. THAT. IS. IT. There is no more pleasure to be gained from this wretched little knob. Before you know it you are rudely awoken again. You didn’t enjoy being asleep: you were asleep. For nine minutes. That’s not a good number of minutes to be asleep (btw, is there some special snooze button technology that is not compatible with divisibles of two or five?). You enjoyed being able to go back to sleep, but then you just doubled the pain of waking up. “Hey, you know, I hate waking up in the morning… I think I’ll do it twice! No wait, I’ll do it three times! Great! Now I feel like absolute shit!”

Let’s for a moment, imagine life without the snooze button: It’s night time. You set your alarm. You go to sleep. The next morning, when your alarm goes off, you wake up and get up. You aren’t late, you have breakfast, you put on clothes which you find in your wardrobe. You have a productive and enjoyable day. Ingenious! It makes perfect sense. Now, imagine someone says, “Hey, we’re going to put a function on your alarm clock which completely defeats the object of your alarm clock. It will ensure that you get to work late, make you hungry all morning, help you select a dubiously-stained garment from the floor and keep you cursing inanimate objects all day”.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating. I think the snooze button is at the heart of a large proportion of the world’s grumpiness and stress.

Snooze always puts you at a disadvantage. Not only does it make you a more stressed, more untidy and hungrier person, it makes you beg it for more. How can this be? On many occasion, I have set my alarm for earlier than I need to get up SO THAT I can have a snooze! This is ludicrous. “I know! I will wake up earlier so that I can go to sleep again when I wake up. Yes. That’s good sense and lots of fun! Ah, life is good.”

But now that this odious object exists, there is no going back. If we banned it, we would spend the next 80 years bemoaning its absence. “Do you remember the good old snooze?” Younger generations would cock their heads in query. “Oh, you’re too young. They banned the snooze button when you were still a baby. It was marvellous.” More head-cocking plus frowning. “Well, you see it was this button you could press on your alarm clock which allowed you to go to sleep when you woke up and then wake up again.” The inquisition would continue. “It always made you late and unproductive and dress like a blind hobo (sigh)”.

Of course, this will never happen. Snooze could never be outlawed. There would be some sort of uprising. We are slaves to the snooze and must accept this reality until we are willing to learn true discipline.

I was curious about the maker of this malevolent device, started to research it and quickly lost interest. But I did fall upon a Facebook page dedicated to the ‘genius’ of the snooze button inventor. Now, I can’t say I wasn’t slightly dismayed, but I do respect their decision to take a different stance. I, however will never stray from the truth I believe: You snooze. You lose. Amen.

Snooze button: j’aime pas


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